I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
