Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
FUCK WHALES
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize