dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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