We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
