My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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