He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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