I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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