She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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