somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
