Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
