I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
