She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
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There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
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Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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