just come out here and I will go home with you...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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