I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
