Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize