Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
