I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
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