How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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