Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
