I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
