disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
