We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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