Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
