I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
