If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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