I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize