He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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