so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
