Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
