Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
