can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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