i already hear my dad disowning me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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