it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
