How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
pray to the hookup gods
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
