fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
