I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
