my mouth tastes like poor choices
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
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It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
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She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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