I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
we're chasing vodka with high fives
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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