just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
