he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
