Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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