You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
