were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
