first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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