Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.