I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My balls are so social today.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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