Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
