I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
