Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
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Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
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we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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