I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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