You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
