i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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