my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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